I really wish I had been updating my blog throughout the last month but I didn't and so now I'm going to say too much as I reminisce about the whole experience of my mom's passing. I haven't gotten it down in my journal yet and it's just so much easier to type. Thank goodness only 5 people still read this blog. :) Nevertheless, here it is!
A week after we got back from Canada, I got a phone call from my youngest sister, Cassy. She had gone to my mom's house and my mom hadn't answered. She also hadn't answered her phone so, thinking that was strange, Cassy felt like she should just keep knocking and calling. Finally my mom's friend and basement tenant answered. She told Cassy that my mom had gotten sick a week earlier and had also had an accident at work where the airbags deployed. Five days after the accident, on Saturday, my mom was getting sicker and collapsed on her kitchen floor. She was admitted to the hospital with a diagnosis of pneumonia and, as the ER doc later told us, was expected to only be there a couple of days.
By the time my sister was at my mom's house on Monday, however, my mom was unconscious and on a respirator. None of us had been told anything because upon being admitted to the hospital, she named her contacts as her roommate and my younger brother, Dustin, who was serving a mission in Chile. Mom's friend and roommate, Sue, hadn't felt the need to update us on my mom's status because my mom had told her she didn't want us to worry.
By the time my siblings and I got word, the doctors knew that my mom had sepsis, an infection that can ravage the body any time another infection is present, no matter how old you are or what your initial infection is. I did some reading on sepsis on the internet and got really discouraged - the prognosis wasn't good. Since my mom's assigned doctor went on vacation before we could talk to him, we got little information from the locum doctors covering his spot. We knew she was unconscious, on a respirator, having kidney struggles, and possibly had a hole in her lung. For days I lived for the texts that would tell me that this level was up or that level was down, not sure if I should rush up to Canada or wait for some improvement or decline before going up.
Those days of not knowing the outcome were really hard. I wanted to DO something but there wasn't really anything to do. And, although my mom and I had a good relationship, I kept haunting myself with thoughts about two regrets: First, I regretted that I had never spoken directly to her about the issues we had during my parents' divorce. I understood so little about the divorce at that time (I was 17 when it happened) and we never really directly went back and discussed it as the years passed. We were both hurt and angry from things the other did or said during it but over the years we just kind of moved passed it, forgiving and forgetting, and loving each other despite it all. Although we had both grown past it and had a good relationship now, I still regret not ever apologizing or really talking through it with her. Although I think she knew, I never explicitly let her know that I didn't blame her anymore like I had when I was 17. My sister Genny kept telling me, "She knew you loved her." And I knew that was true. Mom and I talked on the phone pretty much weekly for years and always had a good time when we got to be together so although I do regret not apologizing about it, I am grateful that hurts were mended and healed long before my mom's time was up on this earth. My second regret is similar to the regrets of my other siblings: We all regret that we didn't get to spoil her enough. My mom was so poor as to things of this world for her entire life. We all wanted her to live long enough for us to get into a financial situation that we could help her travel or have more of the things that would make her life easier.
During the days when the updates on my mom's condition didn't hold a lot of information, it was hard to function in everyday life. Nobody here in Idaho here knew what was going on so life carried on as normal. I was grateful that nobody knew because I would have cried any time anyone brought it up. But at the same time, it was hard to be expected to be "normal" when my mind was so wrapped around my mom's status updates. My mom's status changed little over the course of those days and the overall consensus was that "she is stable in a really bad place". Nonetheless, we all thought Mom was going to pull through. After all, we had all been with her just the week before and she was totally normal - how could she not pull through this?!
After ten days, my mom's doctor returned and we requested a family meeting with him to find out more information - particularly, to find out why mom hadn't regained consciousness yet and what we should expect. This waiting game with little information was getting to be unbearable - at this point, instead of praying for her recovery, I started praying that it would either go one way or the other - waiting on the edge was terrible. At this point, I was humbled enough to realize that my mom had led a good and righteous life, having always done her best to keep the commandments and the covenants she made with Heavenly Father. I knew that if this was the end of her life, she would be happy in the next life and that brought me an unexplainable amount of comfort and peace.
On Wednesday, September 2, my siblings met with the doctor and he was very optimistic. He said that mom's numbers were improving, indicating that she was responding to the antibiotics. She was also breathing on her own, although she was still intubated to help inflate her lungs fully. The doctor guessed that my mom would be awake in a couple of days and moved out of the ICU, although she was still very sick and we could expect a lengthy hospital stay of probably a couple of months for recovery.
All of us siblings breathed a huge sigh of relief and I decided that I would go up to Canada again on Monday, which would be right around the time she was waking up.
The next day, Cassy went to visit and mom was having a hard time controlling her body temperature, which Jaron later told me isn't a good sign. While Cassy was there, the nurse lifted my mom's eyelids and her pupils were different sizes - also not a good sign. They did another CT scan and called the family together for the results, which we knew were going to be bad because all other results had been delivered casually to whoever was in the room visiting at the time.
Cassy called me before they got the results and I knew this was the end. Sure enough, the CT scan showed extensive bleeding in three different spots of the brain. The doctor said it would be difficult to bring her back to any kind of quality of life, if they were able to bring her back at all. It was about 4:00 on Thursday afternoon. All my kids were home and Jaron was gone and I was pretty much just wandering around the house, trying to figure out how to get up to Canada as quick as I could so that I could get there before they turned the machines off. Since I had decided to wait to go to Canada until there was improvement, Jaron had kept his plans to go hunting for the week and had been checking in every day to see if my mom had improved or declined. Since the news had been so good the day before, he hadn't checked in yet that day.
I finally called my friend Melisa and told her what was going on. She came over and got the kids so that I could pack. I had a strange experience packing - at first I was just crying and grabbing random things and throwing them into a suitcase. After awhile, I felt like I wasn't really making progress. Then things just started coming to mind that I needed to pack - Jaron's passport, Sunday clothes for the funeral, etc. It was the first of many times that week that I felt like I might be getting help from somebody through the veil.
I didn't get ahold of Jaron until he called to check in at 11 pm. At that point the kids and I were almost to his parents' house in Idaho Falls. At that point, I was also pretty angry that he hadn't checked in earlier and that he had gone hunting at all. In retrospect, I couldn't believe he had gone hunting instead of my going to Canada! I had about 12 hours of irrational thinking where it was really easy to take all of my anger and sadness out on my husband and his having gone hunting. It was hard to remember that I had been the one to make the decision and told him that he should still go since I wasn't going to go to Canada until things changed. Thankfully, my husband is patient and loving. :)
I got the kids settled in for the night at Jaron's parents and at 12:30, Genny called me. She asked if they could turn off the machines. Every part of me was screaming, "NO!" but I told them "yes." I felt so selfish to tell them to take measure after measure to try to keep the machines going until I could get there the next day. It didn't seem fair to them or to my mom. As Genny said, "Mom's not here. She's already gone."
We got to Canada on Friday afternoon and things started moving quickly. We met with the funeral home, which was surreal. It became real-ish for the first time when we picked out a casket. Jaron spent most of the week taking care of the kids while my siblings and I gathered at mom's house, looking for a will and going through her things. It was hard to be at her house without her there but with all of us siblings together (except Dustin, who had decided to finish out the last two weeks of his mission in Chile), it was almost hard to remember that she was gone. Being in her house and with all of us together, she definitely didn't feel very far away. My oldest brother, Jason, spent every minute at the house with us and that was truly the sweetest thing that came out of all of it. Jason moved out of our house when he was young and, although we've steadily kept in touch, I haven't spent that much time with him since childhood. What a gift to get to be with him at such a meaningful time!
We planned the funeral and went through some of moms journals and notes and learned about her. We found a booklet that listed many of her possessions and what they had meant to her. We realized that we were wrong in having wished that we could have spoiled her with worldly things to make her life "better." Reading that booklet and looking around, we realized that my mom's life was rich. She was happily surrounded by things that meant the most to her - pictures of her kids and grandkids, pictures the grandkids had drawn for her, a pillow I had stitched for her 9 years ago, her Grandma's knitted afghans, souvenirs she'd gotten from her or her mom's travels, etc. Her home was filled with riches because everything in her home held meaning for her and was a reminder of someone she loved. We found an amazing autobiography that she had kept, starting with reflections from her mom on her infancy and toddlerhood, and updated until 2004. One of the best things to leave posterity is a record of your life. What a gift!! It was decided that I would do the eulogy at the funeral. I really wanted to do it because it felt like the last gift I would be able to give my mom, I just wasn't sure if I could keep my composure. I was so thankful for that autobiography and used it to tell stories about my mom's earlier years in the eulogy. I hoped that the eulogy would leave people with a smile on their face as they reminisced about the good woman that my mom was.
The next day we went to dress the body. I was really nervous about it and wasn't sure if I'd be able to stay composed. I teared up on the way into the room but as soon as we got in and I looked at my mom's body, it was a richly spiritual experience. I had the sweetest peaceful feeling. It was a gentle but firm confirmation that the plan of salvation is true. As I stood there looking at my mom's mortal frame, without her being there, things I had believed since childhood about life before this, life on earth, and life after death were quietly confirmed. I am so unbelievably grateful for knowledge of the Atonement and the Resurrection. Christ broke the bands of physical death for all and so this separation from mortal life is not the end. Thanks to temple covenants on this earth, I will see my mom again and it will be a joyous reunion!! Never before have I so badly wanted to shout from the rooftops that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is restored in its fulness on the earth. I wanted everyone to have the comfort and peace that I was experiencing in a difficult time! I hope that in the future I will be quicker to open my mouth about the things I feel and know to be true.
People were wonderful through the whole week. We never cooked a single meal. The fridge and freezer were overflowing, even though there were 13 of us in my sister's house. People ran errands and did favors for us. Kristin and the Drews were a great help and support to me - I sent them on several errands and they were so willing to do everything I asked of them. I've always joked that they are my "second family" and, as always, they came through for me. It was wonderful to reconnect with extended family and old friends at the viewing and the luncheon. My mom expressed interest in being buried in Raymond, where she spent many happy years and had many friends. It will be an easy location for us to visit her grave.
My hope now is that I can keep my mom's memory alive for my kids. They're so young and it breaks my heart to think that they might forget her. She made an effort to be a good grandma and loved to take the grandkids on outings, coming to Calaway Park or going swimming with us. Outings turned into outings for special treats in the later years. Last year she took them to a candy store, bought a piñata, and filled it for them. Then she brought over a huge spread of fixings for ice cream sundaes and the kids just loved it. This last month when we visited, we went to the Helen Scheller Coulee center with her and had a picnic. She also came over and played games with us a few times. My kids' last memory of her is when she took them to the candy store where they each got to spend a dollar on whatever they wanted. I SO badly wish I had taken more pictures of those experiences!
So...lessons I've learned this month: 1. The Plan of Salvation is so very true and real and GOOD. 2. Take more pictures when you're with people you love! 3. My siblings rock. 4. Don't leave things unsaid. 5. Stuff doesn't really matter - you take nothing with you!
